For so many years my main purpose, so I thought, was to sit in the corner, keep my mouth shut and be a good little girl. It turned into anger, hurt, confusion, 100 forms of fear, and silence; causing me to not know how to communicate.
As a child I learned–Children should be seen but not heard; what goes on in this house stays in this house; don’t cry I’m not going to feel sorry for you. Trying hard to be the good little girl, I listened. But–I was internalizing everything that happened and what was said. Anger developed quickly! My only recourse was to continue internalizing it. I begged, asked, pleaded, and cried out to God to take me off this earth but got no response.
My escape became alcohol. I was free at last! I was able to express myself!! But as time went on-life went on. Becoming filled more and more with anger, hurt, fear, and silence as I tried to communicate. It got to the point where I felt like I was invisible. So in time I learned to communicate with clothing.
My 1st tool of communication was My Hat. It said “I can’t take it anymore.” Then I found a button that said, “Don”t follow me I’m lost.” I wore that hat for a long time. Through time I added a few pins. In every move I made I tucked it away for safe keeping–in case I needed it.
Recently I dug it out to shout out, “I can’t take it anymore. Im done. I’m taking a stand fo those who are sick and tired of being sick and tired; for those who need to be heard; for those suffering; those who are lost–Taking a stand for Jesus!!! I will stand alone with God, if that’s what it takes…
Today as I look at my hat it has a message for me: An eagle, that I may soar in th sky; an angel for the angels all around me; a cross to fall to my knees before God; and little feet that show me the size of my babys’ feet when I lost them.
The button “Don’t follow me-I’m lost” shows me where I was then…I was lost, but now I’m found because Jesus saved me and brought me to this place. It took many years of wandering in the wilderness.
Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly–God’s will always materializes–If I work for it.