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Shhh!!!  Can you hear it?  Are you listening to hear it?

My experience has been and still is that to hear something–I need to listen.  Years of not being heard taught me that very hard lesson.  I’ve been told that listening is a skill that not too many people have.

and they just don’t seem to care to receive it.

Throughout my life I’ve learned to listen.  It’s very hard to hear what someone else has to say if I don’t.

Being interrupted all the time became an obstacle in my way.  It was like I was an invisible person everywhere I went.

Then I was introduced to a 12 step program.  I found out that each person had an opportunity to speak without being interrupted.  I believe that was one of the greatest opportunities I could ever receive.  I could actually say what was on my mind and in my heart to say.  It didn’t make much sense to me and I’m sure to anyone who was there, but it was great…  Finally–I was able to get out a full sentence without being interrupted.

I started attending everyday.  At first I was sooo confused!!  There was sooo much built up inside of me.  I’m sure I sounded crazy!  I was!

Those opportunities to just get out what I was thinking helped me to bgin my journy to recovery because those thoughts weren’t running around in my head anymore!  They were outside of me and I was able to see more clearly what they were.  Also there was an empty spot inside where I could fill it with positive, constructive thoughts.  Wow!  It was amazing!  Also I could hear what I needed to hear and leave the rest.  Even if it was one word that I could focus on.  It helped.  As time went on I started to learn a little bit and I’ve learned to listen at a deeper level.  That has been a skill that I’ve been learning to help others around me.

The greatest words that I have received are from God’s Word in Jer.32-33–And they have turned to me the back and not the face, though I taught them, rising up early and teaching them, yet they have not listened to receive instruction.

It has taken me many years of wandering in the wilderness to get this.  I can’t even count how many times I’ve marked and dated it.  But I’m learning to obey God’s Word in this and (1) day at a time sometimes (1) moment at a time I do my best to rise up early in the morning to receive instruction so that I may better learn God’s will for my life.

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My Hat

My Hat

For so many years my main purpose, so I thought, was to sit in the corner, keep my mouth shut and be a good little girl.  It turned into anger, hurt, confusion, 100 forms of fear, and silence; causing me to not know how to communicate.

As a child I learned–Children should be seen but not heard; what goes on in this house stays in this house; don’t cry I’m not going to feel sorry for you.  Trying hard to be the good little girl, I listened.  But–I was internalizing everything that happened and what was said.  Anger developed quickly!  My only recourse was to continue internalizing it.  I begged, asked, pleaded, and cried out to God to take me off this earth but got no response.

My escape became alcohol.  I was free at last!  I was able to express myself!!  But as time went on-life went on.  Becoming filled more and more with anger, hurt, fear, and silence as I tried to communicate.  It got to the point where I felt like I was invisible.  So in time I learned to communicate with clothing.

My 1st tool of communication was My Hat.  It said “I can’t take it anymore.”  Then I found a button that said, “Don”t follow me I’m lost.”  I wore that hat for a long time.  Through time I added a few pins.  In every move I made I tucked it away for safe keeping–in case I needed it.

Recently I dug it out to shout out, “I can’t take it anymore.  Im done.  I’m taking a stand fo those who are sick and tired of being sick and tired; for those who need to be heard; for those suffering; those who are lost–Taking a stand for Jesus!!!  I will stand alone with God, if that’s what it takes…

Today as I look at my hat it has a message for me:  An eagle, that I may soar in th sky; an angel for the angels all around me; a cross to fall to my knees before God; and little feet that show me the size of my babys’ feet when I lost them.

The button “Don’t follow me-I’m lost” shows me where I was then…I was lost, but now I’m found because Jesus saved me and brought me to this place.  It took many years of wandering in the wilderness.

Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly–God’s will always materializes–If I work for it.


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How Many times those words have come to me over the years!  It seemed to be sooo impossible to do!  I struggled and struggled to do it!!  I just couldn’t let go of anything.  Everything was deep down inside and I didn’t know how to do that.

On 12/24/1984–Christmas Eve, I said the prayer of salvation and was saved–so I thought.  Fear and terror had me in its grips as a nightmare haunted me nightly.  I had been in an abusive relationship for a few years that left me envisioning my x-husband pouring gasoline around my apartment and setting it on fire with me and my 10 month old baby inside.  Many times during the night I would see it happen.  Each time I would jump up and run around to every window and peak out to see.

I was wiped out and total exhaustion took over to the point that I became immobilized.  I could not jump up!!  I couldn’t move at all.  As I laid on the couch in great fear and terror, the 700 Club was on TV.  It grabbed my attention.  As I listened; the words that were spoken were directed at me.  I prayed the prayer of salvation.  All of a sudden a peace came over me.  The fear and terror left me!!!  Right then my journey out of that horrible pit began.

It was not easy; of course!  The devil came in to take it all away.  The very first thing to happen was when I made a phone call for prayer.  The words of the person I talked to were, “If you can’t speak in tongues, you are not saved.”  In desperation I tried to speak in tongues but it wouldn’t come.  I was devastated!!!  But I remembered the peace I felt.  I picked up my Bible and started to read.  The words I read were, Do not fear, what can man do to you?  I grabbed those words and repeated them over and over again until they sunk into my heart, my soul, and my mind.It didn’t  end  there, of course.

Next, I lost my children.  Each one for a different reason.

My youngest was taken away.  God gave me the opportunity of allowing the oldest to stay in my life.  I cried ceaselessly over my children.  The devastation of loosing them both was too much to bare.

Let Go & Let God kept coming to my mind.  Over and over again God kept saying–Let go of them from your heart and turn them over to me.  Finally it sunk in and I let go of them from my heart.

Today–over 20 years later, I find that it was the best thing I could have  done for them.  I’ve been blessed to see what God has done in my oldest son’s life and it gives me faith and hope to know he is working in my youngest son’s life too.

I can stand in faith knowing without seeing that God is taking care of him too.  PRAISE GOD.

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